See Me

Today is my birthday.  I love birthdays.  It isn’t about being the center of attention.  I just love giving myself a day to do whatever I want, guilt free.  A day when I don’t have to be anything for anyone else.  When I give myself permission to just be me.  It is a day when I feel seen for who I am.  Not what I do.

Growing up, I found myself playing the role of peace maker, fixer, and friend to parents who loved me, but struggled with their own relationship and their own senses of self.  The last time I remember feeling like a kid was around 8 or 9.  That carefree life of not knowing about adult issues or struggles.  A child’s life of playing and discovering was stifled amidst an environment of tension and self-absorption.  So, my role was defined by my circumstances.  I would be the mediator.  I would be the peace maker.  I would be the confidant.  I would be the performer whose accomplishments would bring happiness to a broken family.

It isn’t easy to write this as it requires an extraordinary level of trust and vulnerability; two things that I struggle to embrace when it comes to my heart.  But it is what God is asking me to share.  And so, I walk (and type) in obedience to His direction.  I suspect it is as much about my own healing as it is about offering comfort and understanding to others.

I often feel like others only see me for the roles I play, my accomplishments, or the things I do.  I am mom.  Wife.  Daughter.  Leader.  Volunteer.  Maid.  Errand runner.  I take care of my 86-year-old father who lives with us.  His needs and demands overwhelm me at times.  And there is just an expectation that I will do and be all these things for everyone.  An assumption that Rhonda will take care of it.  Because I always do.  And I always have.  For decades, I have been the one others rely on.  It’s a role I’ve accepted and has become so ingrained I don’t even realize the toll it has taken.  

Until I hear my heart scream, “See me!”  

See me for who I am.  See me in all my weakness.  See me in my need.  See me in my want.  See me for the woman God created me to be.  Meet me where I am.  Love me for who I am, not because you think I’m attractive or successful.  Not because of what I do for you.  Not with any conditions or expectations.  Just see me.

In Psalms 139:13-16 Kind David writes, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well.”

In this scripture, the Hebrew word for inmost is kilyâ.  It is translated kidney; by extension: inmost being, heart, mind, spirit, the seat of thought and emotion of the inner person.  Another interpretation states it this way, kilyâ, refers to the innermost center of emotions and moral certainty.  King David is praising God for creating him and acknowledging that God knows him deeply and intimately, as no other.  He knows the very substance of who David is as a child of God.

I think that is why we all crave to be seen.  We are made to be seen for our heart.  Our mind.  Our spirit.  Our emotions.  We are made to be accepted for who are created to be in Christ, not what we do with that creation.  

We are not the roles we play.  We are not the sum of our resume.  Being recognized for our accomplishments and contributions isn’t wrong.  Being proud of our efforts (without conceit) isn’t sinful.  Yes, God calls us to use the gifts He has imparted to us.  But sharing our gifts is meant to glorify God, not define us.

If I never wash another dish, run another errand, lead another volunteer organization, organize another event…I am still valuable and wonderfully and fearfully made.  

We all want to be seen.  We all want to be loved wholly and unconditionally for who we are.  We crave a love that mirrors the love of a God who made us to be in relationship with Him.  A love that Jesus Christ valued so much, He lay on a cross that we might live forever with Him.  Neither asked us to be or do anything.  Neither expected us to perform.  Neither expected us to look a certain way.  Neither demanded anything from us.  They only seek to love us and to be loved in return.

My birthday wish for me, and everyone who reads this, is that you feel seen.  That when your heart cries out, “See Me” you know that you have a God who does. And you find the courage to nestle into that love and allow that to define you.  A beautiful, fearfully, and wonderfully made child of the one who lovingly knit you.

How can you focus this week on who you are, rather than what you do?

This week’s prayer is available at: https://simplyjoy.online/prayers/gods-love/i-am-wonderfully-made/