The Blog That Almost Wasn’t

This is the blog that almost wasn’t.  I just didn’t think I had it in me to sit and write.  Because between us, I’m drained.  

The last few weeks have been trying for me, under normal circumstances.  But add to it a recovery from minor foot surgery and everything just seems more difficult.  My home situation with an aging father whose only focus is on his needs and wants.  The day-to-day demands and to do lists that never seem completed.  Dealing with companies and individuals who seem to have lost competence and forgotten what customer service looks like.  The calls to repairmen and doctors, pharmacies, hair salons.  The countless errands.  The needs of my family and my desire to support them and my friends.  I feel hard pressed on every side.  

It is like the enemy is whipping up the perfect storm and he’s decided that I get to be in the boat.  Right in the middle of it, floating aimlessly at his will, gripping onto the side white-knuckled, closing my eyes against the torrent of rain disguised as one more need placed on my already depleted heart and mind.  A body ready to just give up and give in.  Because honestly, I don’t know what else is left to give.

My personality is ripe for seasons like this. I am a type A overachiever.  A results-oriented empath who feels deeply and desires to make things right and better.  A servant who wants to be there for the people I love.  A fixer who is gifted with organizational and interpersonal skills; the “go to” person for everyone.  Someone who loves making a difference and getting things done.  Someone who tries to be there for everyone and in the process isn’t there for myself.

This season was already one for the books.  Monday night, as I drove home from a late work meeting, a seemingly simple issue from home pried my grip from the boat and I fell overboard.  In the solace of my car, I did what any normal, overwhelmed, exhausted woman does.  I screamed at the top of my lungs.  A blood-curdling scream.  Not once, but three times. (remember, overachiever).  And then, Jesus and I had a very heated discussion.  He listened.  I yelled.  He listened.  I cried.  He listened.  I accused.  He listened.  I pleaded.

Release me from this bondage!  Where are you in this storm?  I don’t want to learn any more lessons!  I am a good person, why are you letting these things happen?  I feel alone.  I feel tired.  I feel…empty.  

How did I get here?  Because I forget the one rule, I tell everyone else.  You can’t pour from an empty vessel.  My vessel is empty, dry, and cracked.  And it got that way because I don’t take care of the one person for whom God has given me earthly control.  Myself.  I’ll schedule a massage.  I’ll get my nails done now and then.  I’ll sit on the deck in the morning and read my devotionals.  But in every situation, there is guilt in the back of my mind about the things I could or should be doing instead.  I shouldn’t take a half hour to read in the morning; there’s a to do list.  I shouldn’t spend the money on a massage, my family needs this or that more.  So often my attempts at self-care are fraudulent, done in the pursuit of restoration.  One more item on the to do list, rather than a gift to my tired heart.

I called my cousin today in tears.  She gets me.  She and I are so very similar in our make-up and the roles we’ve played in the lives of loved ones.  She spoke truth to me.  She prayed over me.  She reminded me that guilt is not of our Father.  It is not His will that we sacrifice our well-being for the actual or perceived needs of others.  We are not created to be a dumping ground or doormat – whether the actions of others are intentional or not.  

But the enemy is crafty and he’s a liar.  A bold-faced, pathological liar.  And he tells me over and over that I shouldn’t feel this way.  That I shouldn’t burden others with my struggles.  I shouldn’t put myself first.  That I am selfish for needing those around me to care for me without needing or wanting anything in return.  That my life is meant to be a whirlwind, collecting the needs of others while throwing out my own.  

Thirty minutes after I hung up with my cousin, two additional issues came up that required my immediate attention.  Anger and tears welled up.  I texted her and she responded, “you are under attack.  I’m praying the blood of Jesus over you.”  And I realized she’s right.  In this moment the enemy is trying to break me.  He’s trying to separate me from my Father.  I don’t know the reason.  But I suspect it is because God has something planned for me that the enemy doesn’t like.  And if he can derail me.  If he can wear me out.   If he can lie to me and make me doubt my Father; maybe I won’t be available to be used by God.

2 Corinthians 4:8,9, 16-18 tells us, “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”

I am hard pressed.  But I am not crushed.  I am perplexed.  But I will not live in despair.  I may be persecuted by the enemy, but I am not abandoned by my Father.  I may be struck down for now, but I am not destroyed by any stretch of the imagination.  And I will not lose heart.  My heart belongs to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  And that heart is held in His scarred hands.  And when I cannot find restoration, He pours out healing.  When I cannot find rest, He fills me with peace.  When I don’t take care of his daughter as He wishes, He breaks me so that I will turn my eyes to Him and remember that I cannot pour from an empty vessel.

I don’t ever want to live a day when the enemy doesn’t see me as a threat.  Even if that means I must walk though seasons like this one.  I won’t give in.  I will fight with the armor of Jesus.  And I will take one step at a time walking on the path God has set.  One step at a time…like writing this blog that almost wasn’t.

Whatever you are going through, know that your Lord and Savior hasn’t left you.  Cry out to him.  Scream to him.  Find someone you trust and talk to them.  And then take one simple step toward Jesus.