Forgiving Others Frees You

For years, I’ve read and listened to people preach and talk about forgiveness.  It is a popular topic of sermons and small group studies.  According to Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of The Bible, the word “forgive” is in the Bible 53 times. The concept of grace—unmerited favor—is woven throughout the entirety of Scripture. We know when we accept Jesus as Lord and Savior we are forgiven.  And we are called to forgive others.  Colossians 3:13 says, “Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

I am someone who forgives easily when someone apologizes.  I also acknowledge my own failures and shortcomings and apologize to others when I’ve hurt their feelings, let them down, or lost my temper (sorry family!).  And, I appreciate the grace of forgiveness when given to me.

So, why am I writing a blog about forgiveness then?  Good question.  I’ve come to realize there are two types of forgiveness.  Forgiveness that is given as the result of repentance.  And, forgiveness that is given as the result of grace. 

When someone apologizes and shows remorse for their actions or words, it is easier to forgive them.  They have earned forgiveness.  It would be spiteful and stubborn to not forgive someone who is truly sorry.

However, forgiving someone who is not remorseful, has no clue about the pain they have caused, or who refuses to see their actions as wrong – well that’s a whole different story.  Or what about forgiving a person who is no longer in your life, but the hurt has taken up residency?  What if that hurt is nearly 40 years old?

Sunday, the Lord decided to teach me about forgiveness and grace.  It was unexpected as is often the case when He decides to convict me of something.  Recently, I’ve been feeling anxious for a friend who has expressed insecurities about their physical appearance.  The type of anxious that rests in your belly like a big, tangled ball of nerves.  I told my husband on the way to church how I felt and that I didn’t understand why it was so intense.  During worship, I prayed for this friend and the knot in my belly constricted even more.  I prayed for the Lord to show me why I was having such a strong reaction to this friend’s insecurity and to release me from my anxiety about the situation.

Now, Jesus doesn’t always answer my requests right away (or at all – because He knows better), but on Sunday, He did. “You never forgave Sue” (not her real name).  Sue was a girl from my childhood.  We were not friends but shared a mutual friend with whom we were both close.  The best way to describe how I viewed her was that she would have been perfectly cast in Mean Girls.  She felt superior and looked down on anyone who didn’t measure up to what she thought was acceptable.  At 18, I was invited to join our mutual friend and Sue (along with 3 others) on a trip to Florida for a week at Sue’s parent’s condo.  Looking back, I’m not sure why I went but perhaps I was hoping that since high school was over, she would be different.

I was wrong.  During our trip, I learned that Sue had been making disparaging remarks about my physical appearance in my swimsuit, saying very mean and hurtful things, and even writing them in a letter home.  For days, I had to live with those comments every time we went to the beach.  And soon my shame and embarrassment spilled over into how I saw myself.  I no longer felt pretty.  I no longer felt good enough. I no longer felt skinny enough.  I no longer felt worthy.  I felt disgusting. I felt ugly.  I felt unloved. 

Imagine if when we spoke evil of someone, they died and then you had to carry them around on your back until you died too?  Would you think twice about what you were about to say? Would it be worth it?  The ancient Roman Emperors were renowned for their ability to think up hideous forms of punishment. We are all familiar with crucifixion as one such form of punishment. But there was another – that of binding the corpse of a murder victim to the back of the murderer. Under penalty of death, no one was allowed to remove the corpse from the body of the condemned person.  The murderer would have to carry the rotting corpse with him, absorbing the decay, the putrid smell, the disease into his own body until he, too, died.

In my case, it wasn’t Sue carrying the corpse of her nasty, hurtful judgements.  It was me.  She spoke to them and never looked back.  I picked up the dead weight and have carried with me over the course of nearly four decades. Slowly seeping into my spirit only to come to light when something tweaked it. Like my friend’s insecurity.  Or my own. 

Sunday morning, Jesus showed me that the ball in my stomach was not nerves.  It was unforgiveness.  And while there would be no remorse or apologies, there needed to be grace. 

So, after nearly 40 years, I uttered these words, “I forgive you, Sue.  I pray that you are happy. I pray that you know Jesus.”  I cannot adequately describe to you what happened next.  My stomach at once relaxed – the tension was gone.  I realized I was smiling like an idiot!  Thank goodness the lights are low during worship.  And then the tears came.  Those desperately needed tears of release.  The corpse was gone.  Jesus took it.  And He gave me peace.

Forgiveness by grace is the gift Jesus gave us when he laid down on the cross for our sins.  For all the hurtful things we’d do or say.  The mistakes we’d make.  The apologies we’d never utter. 

Forgiveness by grace is the gift we give ourselves when we can finally understand that we don’t need to carry the sins of others.  Jesus took care of that.  Forgiveness by grace doesn’t condone actions or excuse behaviors.  Instead, it releases you.  It binds the lies.  It opens your eyes to the truth of who you are in Jesus.  Beautiful.  Worthy.  Loved beyond comprehension.  Pursued.  Healed.  Whole.

My sweet friend, never forget.  Forgiving others, frees you. 

Is there someone you need to forgive by grace?  I encourage you to trust offenses to God and let Jesus bring healing and peace to your heart.